JAIPUR - FROM JESTING PILATE -HUXLEY - I SHOULD SEND FIVE RUPEES TO GET THE DETAILS OF THE ADULTERY CURE ...SO MUCH CHEAPER THAN DIVORCE

AT JAIPUR we were fortunate in having an introduction to one of the 
great thakurs of the State. He was a mighty landholder, the owner of 
twenty villages with populations ranging from five hundred to as many 
thousands, a feudal lord who paid for his fief (until, a year or two ago, 
a somewhat simpler and more modern system of tenure was introduced) 
by contributing to the State army one hundred and fifty armed and 
mounted men. This nobleman was kind enough to place his elephant at 
our disposal. 

It was a superb and particularly lofty specimen, with gold-mounted 
tusks; ate two hundredweight of food a day and must have cost at least 
six hundred a year to keep. An expensive pet. But" for a man in the 
thakur's position, we gathered, indispensable, a necessity. Pachyderms in 
Rajputana are what glass coaches were in Europe a century and a half 
ago essential luxuries. 

The thakur was a charming and cultured man, hospitably kind as only 
Indians can be. But at the risk of seeming ungrateful, I must confess 
that, of all the animals I have ever ridden, the elephant is the most 
uncomfortable mount. On the level, it is true, the motion is not too 
bad. One seems to be riding on a small chronic earthquake; that is all. 
The earthquake becomes more disquieting when the beast begins to 
climb. But when it goes downhill, it is like the end of the world. The 
animal descends very slowly and with an infinite caution, planting one 
huge foot deliberately before the other, and giving you time between 
each calculated step to anticipate the next convulsive spasm of movement 
a spasm that seems to loosen from its place every organ in the rider's 
body, that twists the spine, that wrenches all the separate muscles of 
the loins and thorax. The hills round Jaipur are not very high. Fortu- 
nately; for by the end of the three or four hundred feet of our climbing 
and descending, we had almost reached the limits of our endurance. I 
returned full of admiration for Hannibal. He crossed the Alps on an 
elephant. 

We made two expeditions with the pachyderm; one over a rocky 



pass entailing, there and back, two climbs and two sickening descents 
to the tanks and ruined temples of Galta, and one to the deserted 
palaces of Amber. Emerging from the palace precincts I record the 
trivial and all too homely incident, because it set me mournfully reflect- 
ing about the cosmos our monster halted and, with its usual delibera- 
tion, relieved nature, portentously. Hardly, the operation over, had it 
resumed its march when an old woman who had been standing at the 
door of a hovel among the ruins, expectantly waiting we had wondered 
for what darted forward and fairly threw herself on the mound of 
steaming excrement. There was fuel here, I suppose, for a week's cooking. 
"Salaam, Maharaj," she called up to us, bestowing in her gratitude the 
most opulent title she could lay her tongue to. Our passage had been 
to her like a sudden and unexpected fall of manna. She thanked us; she 
blessed the great and charitable Jumbo for his Gargantuan bounty. 

Our earthquake lurched on. I thought of the scores of millions of 
human beings to whom the passage of an unconstipated elephant seems 
a godsend, a stroke of enormous good luck. The thought depressed me. 
Why are we here, men and women, eighteen hundred millions of us, 
on this remarkable and perhaps unique planet? To what end? Is it to go 
about looking for dung cow dung, horse dung, the enormous and 
princely excrement of elephants? Evidently it is for a good many of 
us, at any rate. It seemed an inadequate reason, I thought, for our being 
here immortal souls, first cousins of the angels, own brothers of Buddha 
and Mozart and Sir Isaac Newton. 

But a little while later I saw that I was wrong to let the consideration 
depress me. If it depressed me, that was only because I looked at the 
whole matter from the wrong end, so to speak. In painting my mental 
picture of the dung-searchers I had filled my foreground with the figures 
of Sir Isaac Newton and the rest of them. These, I perceived, should 
have been relegated to the remote background and the foreground should 
have been filled with cows and elephants. The picture so arranged, I 
should have been able to form a more philosophical and proportionable 
estimate of the dung-searchers. For I should have seen at a glance how 
vastly superior were their activities to those of the animal producers of 
dung in the foreground. The philosophical Martian would admire the 
dung-searchers for having discovered a use for dung; no other animal, 
he would point out, has had the wit to do more than manufacture it. 

We are not Martians and our training makes us reluctant to think of 
ourselves as animals. Nobody inquires why cows and elephants inhabit 
the world. There is as little reason why we should be here, eating, drink- 
ing, sleeping and in the intervals reading metaphysics, saying prayers, 



CAWNPORE  

or collecting dung. We are here, that is all; and like other animals we 
do what our native capacities and our environment permit of our doing. 
Our achievement, when we compare it with that of cows and elephants, 
is remarkable. They automatically make dung; we collect it and turn it 
into fuel. It is not something to be depressed about; it is something to 
be proud of. Still, in spite of the consolations of philosophy, I remained 
pensive. 



Cawnpore 

From Jesting Pilate 

FROM its advertisements much may be learned of a nation's character 
and habits of thought. The following brief anthology of Indian adver- 
tisements is compiled from newspapers, magazines, medical catalogues, 
and the like. Several of the most characteristic specimens are taken from 
the Cawnpore Congress Guide, an official publication intended for the 
use of delegates and interested visitors. It is with one of these appeals 
to India's most enlightened public that I make a beginning. 

Beget a son and Be Happy by using the SON BIRTH PILLS, 
my special secret Hindu Shastrick preparation, according to direc- 
tions. Ladies who have given birth to daughters only WILL SURELY 
HAVE SONS NEXT, and those who have sons MUST HAVE MALE ISSUES 
ONCE AGAIN by the Grace of God. Fortunate persons desirous of 
begetting sons are bringing this marvelous Something into use for 
brightening their dark homes and making their lives worth their 
living. It is very efficacious and knows no failure. Self-praise is no 
recommendation. Try and be convinced. But if you apply, mention- 
ing this publication, with full history of your case, along with a con- 
sultation fee ot Rupees Ten (Foreign one guinea) only giving your 
"Word of Honor" to give me a SUITABLE REWARD (naming the 
amount) according to your means and position in life, just on the 
accomplishment of your desire in due course of time, you can have 
the same Free, ABSOLUTELY FREE. Act immediately, for this FREE 
OFFER may not remain open indefinitely. 

Here are some pleasing Hair-oil advertisements from various sources: 



Dr. *s Scented Almond Oil. Best preparation to be used as 

hair oil for men who do mental work. The effects of almond oil on 
brain are known to everybody. 

Jabukusum is a pure vegetable oil, to which medicinal ingredients 
and the perfume have been added to prevent all affectations (sic) of 
the hair and the brain. 

There are several panaceas on the Indian market. There is, for exam- 
ple, Sidda Kalpa Makaradhwaja which "is a sure and infallible specific 
for all Diseases, and it never fails to effect a satisfactory cure in the 
patient, be his ailment whatever it may. Among the various diseases 
amenable to its administration, to state a few, are the following: Debility, 
general or nervous, including Nervous Prostration, due to whatever cause, 
Loss of Memory, Giddiness and Insanity . . . Asthma and Consumption, 
all stomach troubles . . . Cholera ... all Kidney and Bladder Troubles 
... all Acute and Chronic Venereal Diseases . . . Leprosy of all kinds, 
White, Black, Red, etc. . . . Rheumatism, Paralysis, Epilepsy . . . Hysteria, 
Sterility . . . and all Fevers, including Malaria, Pneumonia, Influenza, 
and such other poisonous ones." 

Not a bad medicine, but I prefer the "Infallible Cure for Incurable 
Diseases, Habits, and Defects'* advertised in the Cawnpore Guide. The 
announcement runs as follows: 

I have discovered the natural system of cure for all diseases, 
habits, defects, failings, etc., without the use of deleterious and 
pernicious drugs or medicines. Being Scientific, it is absolutely safe, 
simple, painless, pleasant, rapid, and infallible. Diseases like hysteria, 
epilepsy, rheumatism, loss of memory, paralysis, insanity and mania; 
addiction to smoking, opium, drink etc.; impotence, sterility, adultery, 
and the like can be radically cured duly by My System. Come to me 
after everyone else has failed to do you good. I guarantee a cure in 
every case undertaken. Every case needs to be treated on its special 
merits, and so applicants should furnish me with the complete history 
of the health of the patient and general occupation from birth, height, 
measurement over chest or bust, waist and hips, and a photograph 
with as little dress on as possible, along with a consultation fee of 
Rupees Five, without which no replies can be sent. 

If the buying of a postal order were not so insuperable a nuisance, I 
should send five rupees to get the details of the adultery cure. So much 
cheaper than divorce.